Addressing the Silent Treatment
There is a phenomenon in male/female relations that has had drastic impacts upon relationships. It effects how a couple communicates and ultimately the trust we have in one another. I am talking about the silent treatment.
Exposition of the Silent Treatment (title sounds serious…)
Let's take a look at a model conversation (or a lack thereof):
[Man] 'Honey, I thought maybe we would go to Chili's tonight.'
[Female] 'Yeah whatever.'
[Man] 'Would you like to go somewhere else?'
[Silence ensuing]
[Man] 'Honey'?
I like the definition provided by The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition on the silent treatment:
Maintenance of aloof silence toward another as an expression of one's anger or disapproval.
What went wrong in this conversation? I have spent much time questioning women as to why they feel it is necessary to use such drastic measures in communication. I get answers like, 'they wouldn't understand, I was too frustrated, I was too embarrassed, or it wasn't anything important.' The problem with this thinking is that women assume right away that all men have no concern for their thoughts and feelings. Let me dispel that rumor right now. Yes, there are some men out there who deserve to be single for the way they treat women; but most men do actually consider and value the input of their significant other.
The worst part is when the frustration that a women experience gets buried by a silent treatment and then comes out at a later time. Let's revisit our conversation one month later:
[Man] 'Sweetie, I thought it would be good to go to T.G.I Fridays with the Smiths tonight.'
[Female] 'YOU NEVER CONSIDER ANYTHING I WANT. THIS IS JUST LIKE THE LAST TIME. WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS NOT LISTEN TO ME.'
[Silence ensuing]
[Man] 'Sweetie?'
The man is then left in a perilous state of confusion because nothing was brought up originally. The worst part is the woman then expects the man to remember the incident that she is frustrated over.
It needs to be clarified that I am not picking just on women. Men can act the same way, but they aren't nearly as effective as women are. Men do things to inhibit communication as well in their own ways, but for now I'm concentrating on the drastic need to address this particular issue.
Dealing with the Silent Treatment
I have not been in many relationships, but I have had enough experience to be the recipient of the silent treatment from a few different character types. It's always been the same process, but some deal with it in different ways. I had one girlfriend whose idea of a silent treatment was silence following excessive yelling. I had one girlfriend whose idea of a silent treatment was not saying anything at all, and then bringing it up months later. I've had yet another that was silent, but then opens up shortly after a little prodding.
I can offer a little advice to men and women alike (and I'm always open to some).
For Men
Remember men that most of the time the woman just wants to be assured that you notice that she is frustrated. Through gentle examination you can get most women to open up. Don't be overly forceful, and whatever you do don't call her stupid for not talking. Yelling accomplishes nothing.
If you have one of those women that harbors stuff—get rid of her.
For Women
You have to understand that most, if not all the time, the man has no conception of what has made you upset. So please don't assume that we will always know. It also helps to acknowledge that if you are so upset you can't talk about it, just let us know. A good man will give you your space to work it out, and then both of you can talk about the issues later.
If you have one of those men who is inconsiderate of you'get rid of him.
The Medical Implications of the Silent Treatment
There are actually medical implications of giving your significant other the silent treatment.
[A] study of approximately 3,000 married or cohabitating men and women revealed that married men were half as likely to die during a 10-year period compared to unmarried men. While marital status did not correlate to mortality rates in women, women in the study who held back their feelings during conflicts with their spouses did have a higher mortality rate.1
The research focused around coronary research, and it showed that restricting feelings resulted in stress which led to a higher level of mortality in both men and women. That should be a quick motivation to either (1) stay single or (2) talk about stuff as soon as it comes up. If not, you could die early!
Psychological damage is also known to come about from restraining frustration. I think there is a very real relationship between the increase of divorces and the rise of the silent treatment (although I can't prove it, but who really believes statistics anyway?).
Building Bridges
Let's work together, both men and women, on improving communication through the reduction and hopeful elimination of the silent treatment. It really does no one any good, and it only causes frustration and sometimes even death (I'm not playing around)!
[Man] 'Darling, what's wrong?'
[Female] 'You did not consider my choices for dinner tonight, and it hurt my feelings.'
[Male] 'Ok, that's fair; let's go ahead and go to your favorite restaurant then.'
[Female] 'I love you.'
[Male] 'I love you too darling.'
Aug 4th 2005 
34 Comments 
Aug 4th 2005
This deserves some sort of blogging award
Aug 4th 2005
i feel like you're giving the guy way too much credit in these "conversations".
i liked your prodding comment about me, and yes, it was about me.
Aug 5th 2005
Yes, it was about you.
Aug 5th 2005
lol Chris. I remember when you brought this up in the van. It was amusing then, and it still is now. :-p
Nov 5th 2005
I believe these insights will help any sort of relationship whether it is a couple or co-workers or friends or family members. We all have to realize that different people react in different ways. We may not agree with these ways but we don't get to decide how people think right? We can only sit back and figure a way to break the deafening silence. I hope to use some of these tips in dealing with a female friend of mine that hasn't talked to me in a month and, although I may have ideas into why, I have yet to determine the real cause of it. I have maintained that if there is a need to talk it should be done and I am always around to do so but to no avail. Maybe citing medical problems would boost the bridge building. Thanks!
Nov 9th 2005
Women are psyhco....that's all. As men we just need to accept that fact.
Nov 28th 2005
I am 38 yrs old and my husband is almost 32. He gives me the silent treatment for a week or more at a time and it is just the most heart-rending thing to do to another person. When we argue he gets mad and says that there is no reason for us to argue, or that the only reason we ought to argue is over "big stuff". Well sometimes we step on each others' toes and when I make that mistake I apologize and now he tells me that my apologies mean nothing and that I want to fight. I don't want to fight, I want to clear up whatever happened and move on to a happier relationship with him. We will have been together for 10 yrs in March of 2006. Btw, I am his first EVERYTHING, and his parents have been divorced so I don't think that he knows that couples fight and it's not necessarily a bad thing. What's bad is when things do not get resolved because there is no communication and we don't communicate because he thinks of it as fighting. I need any and all help, we are into a week of this and not sure how much longer either one of us is willing to stick around. My mother had a stroke the day before Thanksgiving and when I told him all he said was "Oh, ok" like I had told him I was going to take out the garbage or something, no asking how she was doing, or how I was doing(she's fine btw)no compassion or hugs..nothing. And then he took off the next day with the car to go hang with his friend because it was his day off and he wasn't changing his plans. MY MOM JUST HAD A STROKE!! She was still in the hospital and I wanted to go see her there but he left without letting me know what his plans were. How insensitive can you be? Anyone want to say anything about this please do. I just feel like,"Ok yes, 2 days before we were arguing but when something like this happens, shouldn't the fight become "water under the bridge" while you make sure that your significant other gets the compassion, love, care and concern they need to face a challenge such as the potential loss of a loved one? I don't understand such coldness, my heart is broken... Thanks so much for listening. Kelly
Nov 29th 2005
Kelly,
I thank you for sharing your thoughts, because it's apparent they are quite deep. The silent treatment, altough dealt with in this post in a sarcastic way, can be a terrible thing; and I completely understand how hard it is.
First of all, I'm glad your mother is all right. I honestly cannot imagine him doing such a thing as leaving you the next day to do as he planned; it makes no sense to me. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom, but I can assure you that I will listen if you need someone to vent to. -Chris
Nov 30th 2005
Long Rant
My wife does this every few months and yes most of the time it is about something frivious, at least to me. Most of the time I try to rationalize the problem but have finally decided that there is no use applying logic to an irrational person. She has very strong opionions about many things, recreation, relationships with family, etc., and gets angry when I don't see things her way. I don't see how anyone benefits from a total loss of commuiication when usually a lack of commuinication is what caused the problem to begin with. In my view it is very cruel to igonore your spouse when they are trying to make up with you. She even remains totally responsive if I try to kiss or hug her. It seems that she is intentionally trying to hurt me. I think these things need to be resolved as soon as pobbile and just move on. Life is too short.
Nov 30th 2005
Hi Fellow Sufferers,
This is such a serious subject. For those of you with marriages still intact after this type of treatment I would strongly suggest you take a very strong stand with your significant other.
In many ways this is very passive form of a direct attack. I was married for 38 years to my high school sweetheart. We began dating when she was 14 and I was 17..neither of us had a clue on what a good relationship was but we did our best.
Beginning very early my wife used the silent treatment on me on a regular basis, first it was just a little here and a little there but after about 20 years it had worked up to days and then weeks.
My reaction was always the same, first a bit of fear followed by a need to apologize even if it wasn't my fault and then anger followed by lots of resentment.
We never dealt with conflict, just swept it under the rug. I tried to engage her to deal with the issues but I left it too long and by the time I realized how serious it had become I had built up so much resentment inside me I was as much to blame as she was. We started this dance and it was so predictable, it made both our lives hell. I got a grip on myself a few times and begged her to join me and seek the help of a 3rd party, to help us start to try and repair ourselves. She refused. In retrospect it could have been because most of the time it was difficult to talk with me without getting a lecture. I harbored so much anger that I wasn't able to really be open myself.
This situation just got worse and worse. I wanted an intimate relationship with my wife but she couldn't give me one, after all this was her power over me and she used that power (silence) as a way to control me and God did it ever work well.
I had never been a womanizer, never fooled around but one evening I had an affair with a lady friend that I had known for 15 years, someone I felt close to in an emotional way. It was a one night thing and I guess because I'm such a typical stupid male I was caught almost instantly by my wife. When she questioned me I owned up right away and I asked her how she knew. She responded that I appeared happy and that was her clue. God! Anyways that ended our marriage and even though it was a long one it came apart faster than either of us could have believed.
They say that ostracising can run in families as the children pick up on it.
My daughter and son no longer speak to me and they have chosen to use silence as a way to punish me and that is also very effective.
I have remarried and she is a wonderful, kind person and she is very open. We never leave any conflict without resolving it. She has never used silence on me in even little amounts. She has told me that she needs some time to herself sometimes and then she thinks some things through and we continue our discussion but she's always completely upfront. I have been left with some pretty good scars from my first marriage and I continually have to tell myself that my present wife is not screwing with my mind. Its getting less and less every day so I know it won't be long and I'll be patched up.
The whole experience I went through was unbelievably stressful for me and I'm sure it was for my first wife as well because I don't really believe she knowingly tried to wreck things. I think she probably picked up this silent treatment type behavior from her family and it was a coping method for her.
OK thats my story so here's my advise...DO NOT allow this type of behavior in your relationship.
Speak to your partner and make it very clear that if they don't stop that behavior you will leave the relationship. If they don't...leave! If I had done that I think my first wife would have taken the situation much more serious and we would have been able to repair ourselves.
The silent treatment is a direct attack on you and its a form of emotional abuse and it has no place EVER in any relationship.
The person who is attacking may not realize how abusive this is and you cannot count on them to repair how they think and respond. If you go along with this behavior, you are as guilty as they are because you are allowing it to happen.
As far as health issues I have had lots of them almost all due to stress, so its not a myth.
By the way, don't try to solve your problem by having an affair, that was the biggest mistake I ever made. It left me on the moral low ground and caused me and my family allot of shame. Stress or no stress the affair was completely my fault. In retrospect however it did end our marriage and I can tell you after 40 years neither my first wife or myself was going to change so it did put the final nail in the casket...Robert
Nov 30th 2005
Hi Kathy,
I posted my story above and there is no use in you going through a similar experience to mine.
Your husband is extreemly insensitive and he is really trying to put you in the hurt locker and he is doing it. Its all about control, he's using a passive way to do it and therefore its hard to really prove anything. He has some very serious issues within himself and your paying the price. I'm sure if your like most married couples you know how to turn his knobs as well so I know its not completely one sided but his methods are so unbelievably hurtful and are relationship wreckers. It removes trust by the shovel fulls and leaves you very hurt and resentful.
I've learned that women and men deal with ostracising differently, women try to do anything to submit and make up while men will get angry much quicker and sometimes even hostile...either way I'd call him on it and if he doesn't stop this type of behavior or seek help that allows him to "fight fair" then I'd be sleeping somewhere else until he sees his need to change.
I can promise you this...if you like it now, you'll love it later...smart ass way of saying it will only get worse. Hugs for you and good luck..Robert
Dec 6th 2005
Hi,
I'm receiving the silent treatment from my husband and I am numb to it. It has gone on too long and too often. I am angry because like Kathy, I lost a basketball player (Im a coach) in a car accident, on another occassion, a good freind, and now my grandmother is in the nursing home. Each time he has said hurtful insensitive things to me that made the pain ten times worse. He's sleeping in the guest room and wont even look at me because I became enraged when he said, "why are you crying, your grandma is getting old. What do you expect?" I am truly sick of it all.
Dec 8th 2005
Dear Sickofitall,
I was reading your post and have been thinking about it for some time. I've walked the same road as your currently on...I'm thinking back...what could have I done differently?
Well I think allot of us have more than our fair share of emotional baggage and because we cannot change people..thats a fact..our only option is to change ourselves.
If your husband resorts to the silent treatment each time you get angry then you might consider not getting angry so much. It is afterall a reaction within ourselves and something that each of us has total control over.
I'm not condoning your husbands behavior, the silent treatment is abusive and he has no right to treat you this way BUT if you decided not to overreact with anger you might be taking a step toward solving the problem. Its difficult to believe that you have very much intimacy in your relationship with both your behaviors, so thats something else that you may want to work on.
All I know is this..the blame game is for loosers...it was probably the biggest mistake my ex and I made...unfortunately it took me almost 3 years to get out from under that blanket and accept the fact if you start looking for fault in your mate you'll be kept busy for a lifetime...of course when we start reviewing our own they just don't seem to exist....we are afterall much nicer in most ways than our mates. Kidding of course but on looking back I saw my involvement and how it helped ruin our relationship. Maybe a nice quiet talk between you both, where you ask him to put aside his weapons(silent treatment) and you put aside yours(anger) and then start looking for the real reason that you both are experiencing these difficulties....its sedom what you actually fight about...Good Luck
Nov 20th 2006
I grew up with a father who withdrew into himself after blowing up at everyone in the family, sometimes for days. I am now at the tail end of a relationship with a man who uses the silent treatment, as well (see a pattern here?!) I have to say I resent the comment about getting rid of women who harbour things - have you ever thought deeply about why women do this? Besides our biological makeup (and yes, there is a biological basis for women's ability to remember every little thing) it's due to frustration and an inability to get thru to the other person, who more often than not, refuses to communicate clearly. I can also offer insight into why men and women both might use the silent treatment -when they have been harangued for daring to open their mouths and express their displeasure with some aspect of the relationship - not necessarily in an inappropriate or nagging way, but in a way that seeks to solve the issue causing the displeasure - for instance, a partner who refuses to give you a straight answer to your direct question, or who refuses to try and improve communication skills. I oculd go on. These types of people seem to feel that any talk is arguing and any expression of frustration or displeasure is a reason to use silence and ostracism in order to exert control. The silent treatment is a controlling behavior, just as much as it is a passive aggressive method of expressing displeasure. It seems to often be used by people who grew up in disfunctional environments, in my experience. Clear, honest communication is one of the most important gifts two people can give each other, if they want their relationship to last.
Feb 11th 2007
Hi I am at a loss as are most in my place. My wife got mad at something I said and packed up and left 75 days ago she has not said one word to me since after 65 days she filed for a divorce and i don't know why she is doing this. I had been out of the hospital for a month I had five bypasses and a light stroke so I don't know what i said to make her mad at me. I don't be;ieve she is commiting adulty on me but why she is avoiding me has me concerned. She talks and visits with my Aunt still though my aunts says she doesn't talk to me but my aunt knows to much for her not to be talking to her. My wifes daughter calls me all the time to see how I am doing can anybody figure this out maybe you have gone through something simular if so help
Mar 8th 2007
Holy smoke. I've been getting the silent treatment from my wife for 50 years. If a response doesn't come to her mind, she gives back silence. This has alway infuriated me, but I've never gotten response to my complaints. This web site will lead me to stepping up in my efforts to quell her silent treatment behavior.
Mar 8th 2007
@Ron: I hope it gets better.
Mar 9th 2007
Thanks very much, Chris ... actually, I don't have a lot of hope after 50 years, and to be honest, our relationship overall is really very, very good and without any silent treatment. It's just a peculiar quirk of hers, not at all calculated.
I have another silent treatment problem though, which is what led me to this web site. Right now, it isn't even easy to write about. It relates to a son and his spouse. They've been married for 20 years plus and there has always been a milder silent treatment between them and us. Since last June it has become full bore. Frankly, I am enraged. I feel like the son is punishing his parents. I've begun to realize that my only solution is a stiffen resolve that there isn't really a fix, and I need to just move on, being satisfied that me and my wife has not committed any mortal sins against them. I have to quite letting their behavior affect how I feel. Hard to do.
Mar 9th 2007
@Ron: I would encourage you to pursue after your son (if it is your son) despite the frustration. Hopefully he will see the love you have and win him. I find much encouragement in modeling the humility and compassion of Jesus.
Here's a passage for encouragement:
Jun 11th 2007
Hi, I have new girlfriend (7 months) we are moveing in together but i have reservations. Anytime she gets mad/hurt even about little things she totally shuts herself off from the relationship giving me the silent treatment and with holding affection. I just dealt with this yesterday and today. when things are good they are really good and we are realy happy and have a great time but the this slinet treatment is intolerable. She has admitted that she does this and wishes that she didn't. I HAVE TO PUT A STOP TO THIS NOW OR LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP. I'M NOT DOING 50 YEARS OF ABUSE. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Jun 12th 2007
@Joe: If she doesn't improve on this I'd drop her.
Jul 15th 2007
Hello all,I can totally relate to this subject. I just didn't know there were so many other people out there with the same problem as mine. I have been married for the past four years and my husband has been giving me silent treatments on a regular basis. I HATE IT and I HATE HIM for doing that. It is the most insecure, childish, and cold thing to do. Besides, it is the biggest turn-off!!! I can't believe that a hopefully full grown and mature man would not be able to maintain a fair discussion/fight and would resort to hurting the person he supposedly loves by ignoring her!!!! Where exactly does he think it will take him? Well... I know exactly where!! Unfortunately, I have made-up with him more than I should have just to make the situation less tense, and he likes it!! I have been refusing to go to him for a while now and these silent treatments go as long as a week or sometimes even longer!! Earlier, someone suggested to sleep apart or to ignore them... and that would make them stop...!! I DON'T THINK SO; we have gotten as far as talking about divorce, and he still would not give-in!!!! I am almost numb to it now. I have so much resentment towards him that when I see him in pain from an injury or a surgery or anything... I LIKE IT!!! IT SOUNDS SICK...But I enjoy seeing him in pain for all the pain and hurt that he has caused me over the past 4 years! It is pretty sad!
Jul 17th 2007
JOE..get out of that relationship. Silent treatments will destroy your relationship. It takes a VERY SELFISH personality to use silent treatments as a way to take control or the upper hand. She will NOT change. If you move in with her it will only get worse. You will hate yourself for not walking away earlier. DROP HER NOW!
Aug 8th 2007
women are awesome. We have to deal with the way MEN deal with their issues so why cant we deal how we want to? I notice that it hurts both parties, and I am trying to cut down because I am the stubborn type that would end the relationship before I gave in. Sad but true.
Dec 4th 2007
I am very frustrated. The first real disagreement I had with my boyfriend was because he withdrew during a discussion. The second argument almost ended our relationship. One week ago today I said something innocent that he did not like and he did not speak to me all the way home from Brooklyn to Queens. Then, he walked me to the door, kissed me on the cheek and said good night. He has not called me since and I have not called him. I will not be calling him and it hurts me to my heart because I love him. But, I will not tolerate this kind of treatment. I hope he will get in touch some day, but I will not yield because I see a dangerous precedent. This is very, very painful but I cannot allow this kind of behavior to continue. Withdrawal is not the way to handle conflict. I don't even remember what I said but I know it was nothing. No one should try to control another person. Communication is the key to strong relationships. His silent treatment has cause me much frustration, but I will not yield. It's too unfair, too one-sided and not what I want in my future.
Jan 5th 2008
My husband constantly accuses of me this. I have tried to explain to him that when I am upset, I really and truly want to talk about it... sometimes though, it is as if the words are stuck in my throat -- I can't seem to get them out. It usually accompanies feelings of being overwhelmed by emotions and knowing that when I do get it out, it is going to open up a can of worms. I hate it when I cause conflict by being honest about my feelings. I also have noticed that this happens around my "time of the month" so I try not to say anything right away in case I say the wrong thing. When I do try to talk, I am accused of being "abusive" by not saying it earlier and we end up in a fight. I wish there was an easy answer. I am not trying to punish anyone... just trying to sort out my feelings and not say the wrong thing.
Jan 5th 2008
Terri, Yes, life is always a bit of a struggle, but there are answers, good answers and bad answers. Surely you can see though that silence is an unsatisfactory way of avoiding conflict. And I suggest that honesty does not require that you express what you are feeling. Also, your silence is an expression of feeling and it always hurts. Being ignored is a blow to your partner's ego. You don't want to do that, do you. I'm not asking that you be dishonest; I'm asking that you find ways to build bridges, to show the best of your feelings toward your partner. Put your best side forward, even when the complications of life seem overpowering. Your partner is too important to you. You can find ways to communicate to him while building your feelings about yourself at the same time. Think positive and act positive.
Apr 7th 2008
i just found all these posts. So maybe I am not as alone as I thought. I have been married for over 30 years to a man who will not speak to me for weeks and months at a time. If i say something he doesn't like that is it. The last of my 4 kids just started college this year and now it is just us. I cannot stand much more of this. Don't know what to do. Over the years i feel like I have tried everything. Nothing I do/say is right. I have alot and I am thankful but is this the way it is going to be for the rest of my life? I am a teacher so not a complete idiot. I am feeling desperate and furious about all the time that has been wasted--just gone never to be gotten back. What is wrong with people like this. I think about leaving but that doesn't seem like the answer if there is one. . Nice to have some place to vent.
May 23rd 2008
I am one of those awful people who use silent treatment/withdrawal as a defense mechanism to protect myself. Thanks for sharing, it helps to see how much it hurts others. I want to change this pattern but not sure where to start...any suggestions?
May 30th 2008
TO WENDY.
the first step is to communicate. Just be ready to hear anything and not lose your temper. Take it as a constructive discussion. It's better to solve a problem through talking or even having a small argument .. than to hold it in. My husband always claims that his silent treatments are to restore peace!!!!! There is nothing peaceful about silent treatments. It's actually a way to hurt someone and get back at your them but in a sneaky way. You might as well talk about it and show interest and really be willing to LISTEN and to UNDERSTAND. It makes a world of difference.
Hope it helps.
May 30th 2008
I'm not in a relationship but ministry at a church and Its not really the talking part that's the problem, I've talked about everything so much already that I'm getting told to stop. Which really hurt me and God gave me a picture of myself as a clam. Where I felt threaten and hurt so now I"m expending all my energy closing up rather than interacting or ministering to others.
What helped me was to keep asking the question of whether people still care to have me around and the positive feedback is helping me to open my shell a little more. But for the most part I'm still pretty very withheld. I think when I'm mad its the silent treatment but when I'm hurt its an unhealthy way of self-preservation. I've learned to undo the mad thing but not the other yet.
Jul 7th 2008
Thank goodness I can vent somewhere! Once again I am getting the silent treatment. I caught my husbands inappropriate internet relationship with a coworker where he was emailing romantic e cards to someone else. I thought he was doing something for 2 years and had a hard time catching him. When I did, I calmly said that I had been trying to make the marriage better for 6 months but I could not do it alone he must meet me half way. He says he stopped communicating with the other women and saying things I would go have loved to hear for the last 27 years. I did not know he was capable of words that nice. I always give in to the fights and suck up. I am sick of knowing I do what ever he wants and take care of him intimately in what ever way he wants and he gave all the romance to someone else. When I told him I would forgive him and I have been seriously trying..I did not know how hard it would be to forget it. I spent the last 2 months reading every relationship/ marriage book I could find. I like books by Dr. Laura, Love and Respect and His Needs Her Needs and even the Submissive wife. I have been learning to bite my tounge and avoid starting a fight. It has helped a lot, but because of the incidents with his flirting behavior, I get sensative and jealous and the green monster comes out and then I get the silent treatment. I feel like I have given him my heart and sole and he tramples all over me. I am not sure how to stop feeling so used. I am so sick of the silent treatment that I get every time I get upset about him chasing other women. I've asked him what he wanted from me and have met his demands and each inch I give, he takes a mile.
Aug 4th 2008
I am in the midst of the silent treatment. It arose from me not getting my Wife a Bday card. Not because I forgot, no no....It was due to a project that took longer than expected the day before. A project the she wanted done. She was gone with our two kids(9yoBoy, 13yoGirl) during the day, so I though I would finish the project and then go and get the card. So, when she got home, it was too late for me to go. Mainly because she wanted to put the kids to bed. So, after that, I figured it would be a good time to go. Nope. A movie was on that she wanted to watch, and by the time it was over.....we were both tired. Now during the movie, I confirmed what she wanted and that she would get her requested Bday gift. Next morning(Bday), the kids gave their cards, but when I did not have one.....BANG ! Too late.
"No card !, I did this for you on your birthday(and other occasions were listed), dont bother getting me anything, you went to exercise class on our anniversary last year(she was sick, and told me i could). Now this ones going into the memory bank next all those other things."
I apologized, told her my intentions, also that I should have prioritized because she means everything to me....(plus more stuff to acknowledge that she had a right to be upset.)but nothing...... She said what she had to say, that was all she cared to do.
So now, I am getting more & more discouraged that, after 14 years of marriage, she could still play these games. A half-day off to cool down, I could understand. But to make my homes atmosphere so sorrowful(mainly to the kids' perception that "Mom&Dad aren't talking") is really painfull to watch. I can't do/say anything w/out a short curt reply.
I admitted to my kids that "Mom" was upset because 'Daddy" forgot to get her a card, and that I should not have waited until the last minute. I wanted them to know my involvement, and that I would do better next year. But also that "Mom" had a legitimate reason to be upset. But this Silent treatment goes too far. Especially since it seems to be rooted in the inability(or refusal) to forgive after a short period.
Reading some of these posts have helped me realize that I need to confront this and make it know that it is unacceptable. It is only causing damage to our relationship, but also creating a mechanism that our kids will find acceptable as they enter relationships.
Thats all for now.
Nov 4th 2008
hi, after reading all these posts, i'm still feeling scared about the silent treatment. I have recently got married from abroad and soon after the wedding i've had to come back to uk because of work. I have been calling and texting him all this time we have been away but he has called me so infrequently that i started to feel frustrated. I tried to tell him so much, that i want him to call me but he has just gone all silent. I've said that if he doesn't call me i won't call him either. But i'm finding it hard to not communicate.
From the posts i can't find a way that would stop the silent treatment, whats the solution, has anyone done anything that has changed their partners behaviour.
please help, it hurts!!