Still Jealous

I spoke with my sig­nif­i­cant other today, and she said that she was going to see the new Bat­man flick (sigh) with a guy that hit on her a cou­ple of weeks ago. I was already in a mode of jeal­ous antic­i­pa­tion, and it seems now that I have blos­somed it. Jeal­ousy is sim­ply one of the worst feel­ings any human can expe­ri­ence, and the hor­ri­ble fact is that it stems only out my inse­cu­rity and lack of trust.

I’m com­pletely at a loss on where I should go or what I should do. I am not get­ting involve­ment in the com­mu­nity here in Pasadena, I’m “the­o­log­i­cally fly-swatting” every­thing that is being said, and I’m extremely home­sick to the point of mis­ery. I was talk­ing with one of the staff today at din­ner, and talk­ing with him a few things became evident:

  1. The source of my mis­ery has root in noth­ing else besides myself.
  2. I am wor­ship­ing my rela­tion­ship and not God.
  3. I need to pop my ego con­cern­ing doctrine.
  4. And lastly, I need to grow up.

One thing is becom­ing clearer: if Stephanie does leave me while I’m away, then I gather it would be bet­ter to find that out early then to find out later. If I con­tinue to wor­ship my fleshly rela­tion­ship with her, then I will cease to grow com­pletely. I don’t know where to go or what to do any­more with my rela­tion­ship. I have this deep-down down fear that it will not last over this sum­mer, and as a result I keep obsess­ing about it.

My prayer life has dried up. I feel as though I’m talk­ing to the wall. That really needs to turn around. I’m involved in the praise band play­ing the Djembe. Good times.