Would I Marry An Arminian?

This ques­tion has been asked of me a few times recently, and I feel it worth­while to look at this issue and the ram­i­fi­ca­tions of my deci­sion on this issue. Some of the var­i­ous ques­tions that have been posed to me are: Would I marry some­one who var­ied on a sote­ri­o­log­i­cal stance? What would be done when it comes time to teach the chil­dren about the Bible? And what impact would this have upon a relationship?

I will present my stance that not only is it absurd to abstain from a relationship/marriage on the basis of TULIP, but tak­ing such a stance directly vio­lates Bib­li­cal instruc­tion for what a mar­riage should con­sist of.

Would I marry some­one who var­ied on a sote­ri­o­log­i­cal stance?

One of the ten­ants of Hyper-Calvinism, and I feel I am not stretch­ing this issue, is that those who do not hold strongly to Reformed The­ol­ogy should not be fel­low­shipped with. And the best exam­ple of this is Marc Car­pen­ter and his Hyper-Calvinistic page enti­tled: “Are We To Fel­low­ship With Armini­ans?.” I have spo­ken with many of my reformed brethren who adamantly oppose such a doc­trine, but they then turn around and make reformed the­ol­ogy a con­tin­gent fac­tor for a relationship.

Reformed The­ol­ogy has com­pletely changed my life and how I oper­ate in every aspect of my life, but to say that a Bib­li­cal rela­tion­ship is con­tin­gent on com­plete doc­tri­nal agree­ment between a man and a woman is un-Biblical. The Bib­li­cal man­date is to not marry a non-believer (2 Cor 6:14), and to say that an Armin­ian is not wor­thy of mar­ry­ing seems to imply the belief that regen­er­a­tion is con­tin­gent on a belief on Reformed The­ol­ogy, and my friends who would deny this belief also hold that a Calvin­ist shouldn’t marry an Arminian.

I am walk­ing a fine line between legal­ism and doc­tri­nal rel­a­tivism. A few things need to be asserted. Mon­er­gism explains who God is, what God is doing, and what He con­tin­ues to do; but I do not see how a lack of under­stand­ing of sote­ri­o­log­i­cal prin­ci­ples is a for­mula for an edi­fy­ing and God-glorifying rela­tion­ship. In all hon­esty, I love doc­trine and the pur­suit of, but if a doc­tri­nal stance gets in the way of glo­ri­fy­ing God in your rela­tion­ship, then chances are you shouldn’t be married.

Sec­ond, com­pare areas of per­sonal con­vic­tion [before get­ting mar­ried], begin­ning with one’s major the­o­log­i­cal under­stand­ing. A per­son with lib­eral lean­ings will not make a good mar­riage with some­one of con­ser­v­a­tive beliefs. A Calvin­ist won’t match well with an Armin­ian, nor will a Reformed with a Dis­pen­sa­tion­al­ist. In today’s “evolv­ing” spir­i­tual cli­mate, one must even be sure of their poten­tial spouse’s view on cre­ation­ism (the tra­di­tional lit­eral six-day view ver­sus the­is­tic evo­lu­tion, pro­gres­sive cre­ation­ism or frame­work hypoth­e­sis).1

So, from the above advice, I need to make sure my future wife is a covenant, reformed, Bap­tist, NASV-reading, his­toric pre-mil (maybe A-mil, but that’s only if I’m hav­ing a good day), and heaven for­bid they be infralap­sar­ian (I also am more mod­er­ate polit­i­cally, so I need to ensure that is in line too)! In a time where find­ing a part­ner that is com­pletely devoted to the Lord­ship of Christ is hard enough, adding con­di­tional fac­tors will only add to the frus­tra­tion (but I’m not say­ing we should set our stan­dards low by any means).

I’ve watched sev­eral of my friends includ­ing Aaron & Sta­cia Shafo­val­off, Nick & Brit­tany Nye, and Chris & Dana Davis put their desire for God above doc­tri­nal com­pat­i­bil­ity. What is inter­est­ing is that, as a result, they did find doc­tri­nal unity in the end. (This is the Bib­li­cal view of mar­riage I spoke on in the intro­duc­tion (Matthew 6:33–34).)

What would be done when it comes time to teach the chil­dren about the Bible?

This is a very per­ti­nent ques­tion. After all, if a Calvin­is­tic hus­band mar­ries and Armin­ian and lit­tle Johnny asks: “Mommy, what are the sote­ri­o­log­i­cal ram­i­fi­ca­tions of Paul’s dec­la­ra­tion in Eph­esians 1″ (as if Johnny would ask that); it could pose a poten­tial for con­flict. But again, if we fol­low the Scrip­tural model of mar­riage and sub­mis­sion then we find the answer to this question.

For the hus­band is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Him­self being the Sav­ior of the body. But as the church is sub­ject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their hus­bands in every­thing.
Eph­esians 5:23–24

Wives, be sub­ject to your hus­bands, as is fit­ting in the Lord.
Colos­sians 3:18

For in this way in for­mer times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn them­selves, being sub­mis­sive to their own hus­bands; just as Sarah obeyed Abra­ham, call­ing him lord, and you have become her chil­dren if you do what is right with­out being fright­ened by any fear.
1 Peter 3:5–6

A woman must qui­etly receive instruc­tion with entire sub­mis­sive­ness. But I do not allow a woman to teach or exer­cise author­ity over a man, but to remain quiet.
1 Tim­o­thy 2:11–12

If the wife has the inabil­ity to sub­mit to the husband’s instruc­tion, then that is another issue apart from a sote­ri­o­log­i­cal stance. There is no doubt, on the basis of pure Scrip­ture, that the man is to instruct and the wife is to sub­mit in these mat­ters (as well as the rela­tion­ship as large), but again I have to play a bal­anc­ing act. Just because she is to sub­mit does not mean men are not to edify and exhort her. It’s one of the attrib­utes of a Godly marriage.

What impact would this have upon a relationship?

I am of the per­sua­sion that if sote­ri­ol­ogy hin­ders your abil­ity to marry some­one, then issues beyond Calvinism/Arminiansm are pre­vent­ing your mar­riage. I can’t imag­ine what it would be like to marry a “flam­ing” five-point Arminian–it would be great! How edi­fy­ing that would be! I can’t imag­ine hav­ing a wife who cared that deeply about a sep­a­rate the­o­log­i­cal sys­tem to engage in debate with me; that is exciting!

To sum up, I would rather marry a pas­sion­ate and con­victed Armin­ian than a pas­sive Calvinist.

An excel­lent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jew­els.
Proverbs 31:10

I am sure to be blasted by my reformed broth­ers and sis­ters (I can already hear them yelling “straw man”). I’m ready…