Dear Chris…

Dear Chris,

I’ve been having a little prob­lem with the ladies, and I thought you might be able to help. Ever since I con­verted to Chris­tian­ity I’ve been having a hard time trying to figure out these Chris­t­ian women. The women that I used to be around, although more dra­matic, were less com­pli­cated to figure out. It seems we can’t com­mu­ni­cate on any­thing. Please HELP!

Dis­tressed in Dayton

Dear Dis­tressed in Dayton,

I see that you are in a pre­car­i­ous sit­u­a­tion. Chris­t­ian women are, in a gen­eral sense, the 8th wonder of the world. To reach Chris­t­ian women, you must under­stand what it means to be a Chris­t­ian man. First, Chris­t­ian women love corny pick up lines such as:

“Can I hear your testimony?”
“What are you read­ing in the Word?”
“God told me that we’re going to get married.”

Ok, so maybe not the last one, but you might as well uti­lize Chris­t­ian jargon to reach the Chris­tian­ized. Sec­ondly, never under­es­ti­mate the impor­tance of a good DTR. In fact, it’s good to DTR just for the sake of it! Use phrases like, “pursue you;” “guard your heart;” and “spiritually lead.” The last is impor­tant. You must under­stand that a Chris­t­ian woman is look­ing for a Chris­t­ian leader. What exactly that means no one really knows, but all you have to do is drop that phrase and you’re in like flint!

Lastly, remem­ber that Chris­t­ian women have on their minds pro­cre­ation. It’s always good to put a “baby on board” sticker on your bumper, and then explain to her that you’re just wait­ing for the baby. It also helps to put pic­tures of you hold­ing babies in clear view (such as Facebook).

Good luck (oh wait, pre­des­ti­na­tion ren­ders that phrase use­less),
 Chris

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8 total comments, leave your comment.
  1. Simon
    Mar 29th 2006

    rofl

  2. joel
    Mar 29th 2006

    Funny stuff. I actu­ally laughed as I read it. I guess there’s a little bit of ironic truth in every dose of sar­casm.

  3. Janiece
    Mar 29th 2006

    LOL!! I love the baby part, espe­cially the Face­book pic­tures! That’s so great. You just made my day Chris. :)

    Smiles,
    Janiece

  4. Perry
    Mar 29th 2006

    Wow! amaz­ing.

  5. Rebecca
    Mar 29th 2006

    Chris.

    Crazy. So you met more Eau Claire people, I see. Did you even know it? I started look­ing through your pic­tures, and all the sudden, I saw Kristin Norby! I know her! Also, I saw two other girls that I don’t quite know, but I rec­og­nize them. Tammy was one of them, and another girl…I don’t know her name but I am pretty sure she is friends with Kristin.

    Also, Sean Cooper was in one of your pic­tures! Do you know him? Did you know he went to IT the summer before this one?

    What a small world.

    And yes, I can make a S+C Frap­pu­cino now. hehe.

  6. Larry Knight
    Mar 30th 2006

    Dear Dis­tressed in Dayton,
    1. Read Cap­ti­vat­ing, and Wild at Heart, and maybe a few Joshua Harris books too.
    2. Watch/Read Pride and Prej­u­dice. Sense and Sen­si­bil­ity.
    3. Try cook­ing some­thing com­pli­cated for Four hours and have it not come out right.
    4. Go “shopping” with women to New York and Com­pany, and shoe shop­ping.
    5. Lastly, just ask what they are you think­ing? Be pre­pared for shock­ing answers, and to answer ques­tions of thiers?

    If you do all of these things, you might gain a small insight to the female mind and soul. I know I have. How­ever, it’s not the for­mula. Unfor­tu­nately, there is no sci­en­tific process or for­mula to under­stand the female soul and mind except I think to be one. Hope that helps dis­tressed in dayton.

  7. Ashley Keen
    Mar 30th 2006

    Hehe. I don’t know who Larry is, but I love him already. ;D

    Cute Post, Chris. I’m tempted to make a reverse parody now. ;D

  8. Katrina
    Mar 31st 2006

    Larry! Hi! I know you! :D

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