Dear Chris…

Dear Chris,

I’ve been hav­ing a lit­tle prob­lem with the ladies, and I thought you might be able to help. Ever since I con­verted to Chris­tian­ity I’ve been hav­ing a hard time try­ing to fig­ure out these Chris­t­ian women. The women that I used to be around, although more dra­matic, were less com­pli­cated to fig­ure out. It seems we can’t com­mu­ni­cate on any­thing. Please HELP!

Dis­tressed in Dayton

Dear Dis­tressed in Dayton,

I see that you are in a pre­car­i­ous sit­u­a­tion. Chris­t­ian women are, in a gen­eral sense, the 8th won­der of the world. To reach Chris­t­ian women, you must under­stand what it means to be a Chris­t­ian man. First, Chris­t­ian women love corny pick up lines such as:

“Can I hear your tes­ti­mony?“
“What are you read­ing in the Word?“
“God told me that we’re going to get married.”

Ok, so maybe not the last one, but you might as well uti­lize Chris­t­ian jar­gon to reach the Chris­tian­ized. Sec­ondly, never under­es­ti­mate the impor­tance of a good DTR. In fact, it’s good to DTR just for the sake of it! Use phrases like, “pur­sue you;” “guard your heart;” and “spir­i­tu­ally lead.” The last is impor­tant. You must under­stand that a Chris­t­ian woman is look­ing for a Chris­t­ian leader. What exactly that means no one really knows, but all you have to do is drop that phrase and you’re in like flint!

Lastly, remem­ber that Chris­t­ian women have on their minds pro­cre­ation. It’s always good to put a “baby on board” sticker on your bumper, and then explain to her that you’re just wait­ing for the baby. It also helps to put pic­tures of you hold­ing babies in clear view (such as Face­book).

Good luck (oh wait, pre­des­ti­na­tion ren­ders that phrase use­less),
Chris