Imperishable Inheritance

Dear Chris,

I've been having a little problem with the ladies, and I thought you might be able to help. Ever since I converted to Christianity I've been having a hard time trying to figure out these Christian women. The women that I used to be around, although more dramatic, were less complicated to figure out. It seems we can't communicate on anything. Please HELP!

Distressed in Dayton

Dear Distressed in Dayton,

I see that you are in a precarious situation. Christian women are, in a general sense, the 8th wonder of the world. To reach Christian women, you must understand what it means to be a Christian man. First, Christian women love corny pick up lines such as:

"Can I hear your testimony?"
"What are you reading in the Word?"
"God told me that we're going to get married."

Ok, so maybe not the last one, but you might as well utilize Christian jargon to reach the Christianized. Secondly, never underestimate the importance of a good DTR. In fact, it's good to DTR just for the sake of it! Use phrases like, "pursue you;" "guard your heart;" and "spiritually lead." The last is important. You must understand that a Christian woman is looking for a Christian leader. What exactly that means no one really knows, but all you have to do is drop that phrase and you're in like flint!

Lastly, remember that Christian women have on their minds procreation. It's always good to put a "baby on board" sticker on your bumper, and then explain to her that you're just waiting for the baby. It also helps to put pictures of you holding babies in clear view (such as Facebook).

Good luck (oh wait, predestination renders that phrase useless),
 Chris