The Christian Dating Game
I'm sure this will instigate tons of comments, and I only wonder where the comments are on my articles on the political ramifications of Dispensationalism, Evolution, and Old Testament theology; but that is another topic (props to Perry for commenting on each of those!). I found this great discussion on Carla Laukhuf's blog over dating frusturations, and I must say I found much agreement with her words. There are also some neat thoughts in her comments.
What is with the growing trend of not asking girls out? About playing it safe. About hanging out with a girl in groups until there is absolutely no doubt in your mind that you could marry her or that you couldn't. Or is it that you are afraid of rejection and are hanging out until you get that vibe that she will say yes because it will hurt your male pride if she says no? Have we as Christians made dating such a hyped-up, over exagerated deal? Isn't it through going on dates--just prearranigng a time to meet up--that you find out more about the person, in the sharing of a meal we let down our guards? And I wonder, can you really know a person by how they act only in a group? I know people who turn on in groups and become this amazingly entertaining center of attention but when is one on one with people is quiet and shy about their thoughts and ideas and hard to get to know on a deeper level.
Carla Laukhuf, Men, or should I say boys?
In my time as a believer so far I am also amazed at this emphasis on "group dating" if you will. I was told that it was the "safest" way to get to know someone. This idea is completely, completely foreign to me. I had always understood dating as being around someone personally, and I agree with Carla's assessment that it is a farce to think that we can truly get to know someone through group activity. While we can learn more about them, we certainly cannot derive the information necessary to make a sound judgement as to whether a relationship would work or not. In her comments, Carla also hits the issue of getting caught up in words.
I think that people (some more than others) get tied up in semantics. You can call it hanging out, going on a date, playing tiddlywinks for all I care, but the fact is that you are spending time with someone and admitting that you are wanting to get to know that person more.
Wow, what great insight. I am thoroughly enjoying read all of this! We do, as believers, get caught up in our DTR's and other silly acronyms. Alysun Sneed adds to the discussion in the comments.
what i don't think guys understand is that girls are just as afraid of rejection as guys. yes, they have to make the first move (or at least they should in my book!), but a girl is putting herself on the line just as much when she says yes. i think too many Christians are concerned with FINDING "the one" and not concerned enough with being the person who matches the qualities they are searching for. i know i fit into that catagory. i just dont understand what seems to be so complicated. so you meet someone and there is at least a hint of interest. you want to hang out more so you approach it carefully and prayerfully. you start in groups and learn more and more and then maybe go out (just the 2 of you) once or twice. if the desire is there and you are following and seeking God, its there for reason...if nothing else than to be a beautiful friendship. HOWEVER, i think BOTH parties should be honest and vocal at all times--maybe not confessing that God told you that he/she was THE ONE on the second date, but always always always clear that both individuals are on the same page.
Ok, I admit I'm one of those hopeless romantics that would like to believe that there is "the one" out there. And maybe I'm totally dense, but women have fear of rejection in this circumstance? This is completely new knowledge. I guess I never thought that the person that was being pursued would have a fear of rejection. This is once again proves how little I know about women.
Well, there are some rambled thoughts on this issue, and I'm sure I'll get good input.
Feb 3rd 2006 
13 Comments 
Feb 3rd 2006
the fear of rejection happens in the one on one time. a guy knows that he is interested. great. he doesn't really KNOW that much about her. so, its all to say, the fear factor comes in when, as he gets to know her more, he realizes he doesn't like her as much. that gets down to the core of who i am...and it leaves my heart open to be turned down. and i can't say im ready for that. does that make sense?
Feb 4th 2006
I think this article sparks an interesting notition. I use to believe in the idea of "the soul mate", or aka "the one". However, I pose a question. If you think that someone is the "the one", your destined soul mate, and then they end up getting married to someone else, it kind of negates the whole soul mate theroy. While it seems less romantic, unfortunately, I think it's most likely true. At any rate, I think you meant a much looser use of the phrase "the one". I think you are meaning "the one" as in terms the one you end up marrying. Although, I do think this would be an interesting discussion on another thread. The concept of soul mates vs. non-soul mates, I think seems to be debated amongst other christians. Anyway, just a thought. thanks.
Feb 4th 2006
Thanks Larry and Alysun for the good thoughts, and you do make a good point Larry.
Alysun, yes it does make sense, and I hadn't perceived the situation being that way. I don't think I've ever heard that expressed in that manner.
Feb 4th 2006
Perhaps I will hear a bit of grief for this post but I must say it. Perhaps the reason for guys not asking girls out is the romantic catch 22. Girls don't want a random guy coming up and asking them out because "he doesn't know who I am". So you gotta be friends.. note... you can't be friends in order to get to know them because that is creepy and forced.. aka you're decieving them. So you gotta be friends but without ulterior motives. If you are a good friend there is a good chance when you ask her out she will say "I don't want to lose you as a friend" and say "no".
Current system.... girls can get the intimacy that they want from guy friends (more than one) while they wait for "the one" they pass up on guy after guy.
cynical? yes. true? in some cases.... yes. Hope it helps someone to think a bit about the issue.
Feb 6th 2006
If you believe in predestination then don't you have to believe in a soul mate. I mean, your future is already set out for you, doesn't that include the person you marry?
Anyway, what is group dating? Sorry if I offend, but this idea is silly. What is unsafe about going on a date? It is very unlikely that you will be physically hurt. If the fear is emotional...don't you already know you like each other? You're on a date! Maybe I am just confused.
Feb 6th 2006
You never cease to amaze me Ms. Lindamood.
Feb 7th 2006
As for the girls having a fear of rejection- most of us are afraid that once we are vulnerable enough with a guy or get close enough to him, the guy will not like what they see- and that they will leave. Just because we say "Yes" to a guy doesn't mean that he is the one we will marry. And break-ups hurt for anyone. As one who has even been engaged and had it broken off, just because you are engaged- that's not even safe territory yet. So yeah, it's not like fear of rejection is inherited with a chromosome or something...
Feb 7th 2006
I have never went on a "group date", but I guess I can understand the reason behind it. Of course, I would really understand this more if you didn't know the other person well. That would be the only reason I could see behind it. I guess I am pretty simple, but I've always believed that if you meet someone you find interesting or attractive, or hopefully both, you ask them out. If you get shot down, then it was not the Lord's will for you to go out with them. If you don't get shot down, then you move to the next stage of getting to know them. I used to overthink things, but it's as simple as "Would you like to have dinner?" Then, eat dinner and have conversation. If that goes well, do it again! It's easy to get bogged down in the semantics of it. As a Christian, I look for two things: 1. Is the woman a Christian? 2. Is she interesting and attractive?
I guess it's different for everybody, but dating to me means that. Sorry for the long-windedness of my post. It's my first on your site. Long-time listener, first-time caller.
Feb 7th 2006
Thanks Greg for reading and commenting. I should clarify something: it's not "group dating" that it's about but people who want to confine getting to know each other through group interaction first. I agree with your assesment.
I would add a two more requirements:
3. Is she missions minded?
4. Does she have good theology or at least open to it?
Feb 7th 2006
I see. My mistake. Well, I can understand someone not wanting to open themselves up to that sort of one-on-one scrutiny. After all, dating is like the job interview process. It can be very stressful! :)
I can also see that getting to know you in a group setting tool being used as a way to honor the other person, much like when Billy Graham has a meeting with a female and leaves the door open to his office, as I have heard him say on occasions in the past. For that reason alone, I could see it being effective. That way, there is no way to allow for rumor and speculation to set in.
However, for myself, I would find the constancy of group interaction suffocating. And, I am a people person! There are some times in life, when a man and a woman need to be alone, whether it be to talk about things. I doubt I am going to convince anyone of my view, and that is ok, but for me, I would need that alone time. Plus, you could do the "alone thing" with people in the other room, with the door open, to avoid the speculation and rumor that I spoke about.
Also, I would agree with your additions to my top 2, but my top 2 was just that, a top 2! haha
I agree that Missions-mindedness is very important, be it in the workplace or Kerplakistan. You can be on mission for Christ anywhere. Again, me being Joe Simple.
Feb 7th 2006
Missions (n.)
The act of reaching the unreached.
See more into this definition in my Deeper Devotion article.
Feb 8th 2006
wow. this has kinda taken a life of its own. Good comments, I enjoying hearing other views.
Feb 8th 2006
Thanks for the link to the article, Chris. I rather enjoyed it and found it informative. This kind of discussion can only be positive, because it causes us as Christians to look deeper at our own beliefs. Very exciting.